James: Gotta go fast! In this post we’ll be discussing a game series near and dear to my heart, Sonic the Hedgehog. In the past year since you’ve seen us, Yuni Oha has guest written a chapter for the Sonic story The Chaos Project, and since we’ve taken control of everything that’s Yuni Oha’s, that chapter belongs to us too.
Blacklight: Ooh, did someone say Chaos Project?
Meowth: [With dismay] Who’s this lug!?
James: Ohmigosh! It’s Blacklight the Hedgehog!
Jessie: I know a little about Sonic, and I’ve never heard of… what was his name…?
Blacklight: Excuse me!? Never heard of the greatest recolored OC of all time!?
Meowth: I thought that was Shadow.
Blacklight: Do you even know what the word OC means?
Meowth: It’s not even a word, it’s two letters.
James: OC means original character, a character created for fan fiction, such as The Chaos Project.
Blacklight: Yeah. Like Brenda.
Jessie: The Twerpette? I promise you, she’s very real, much to my disdain.
Blacklight: [Sarcastically] Suuuuure she is. And I suppose that episode my boss wrote for Pokémon Cosmic Quest was a totally real event too, wasn’t it?
Meowth: I stopped questioning how reality works the moment we first took over this website and story…
James: Enough of this. What are you doing here, Blacklight?
Blacklight: Well, my pals and I were doing a takeover on another website—
Jessie: Hey, I’ll have you know that Team Rocket has copyrighted the website takeover event!
Meowth: Yeah, you’ll be hearing from our lawyers!
Blacklight: Oh yeah, I totally stole the idea from you guys. But no copyright law in the universe is going to stop me!
James: Hey, I got that reference!
Blacklight: Well at least there’s someone cultured here.
James: Does it really take someone of culture to know about Sonic Colors?
Blacklight: Touché. But as I was saying, I heard that you guys were going to talk about Sonic, and I just had to make sure that you got all your facts straight.
Jessie: Are you insinuating that we don’t fact-check? I’ll have you know that I worked hard to confirm the fact that Sonic is a Normal and Electric-Type Pokémon known for its speed.
Blacklight: Oh, dear Lords… Hence, why I’m here.
James: Yeah… I couldn’t really explain the concept of non-Pokémon creatures to her.
Blacklight: Sure, sure. So why don’t you guys go on with what you were planning on talking about, and I’ll stop when you’re wrong?
James: Trust me, I won’t be wrong.
Blacklight: Prove it, blue boy.
James: Okay then. Obscure Sonic trivia it is. Many people know that Mario was originally known as Jumpman, what people don’t know is that Sonic’s original name was Mr. Needlemouse.
Blacklight: Pfft. You call that obscure? Everyone learned that after it was used for the advertising of Sonic 4.
James: Okay then. How about this one? Dr. Robotnik was actually the first Sonic character created, as a concept for the game’s main character.
Blacklight: EHHHH! Wrong! The Robotnik name was only created for American audiences after the game was well into development. The character you’re referring to is Eggman.
James: But then Sonic Adventure 2 canonized the name Robotnik in all languages, with the introduction of Gerald Robotnik.
Blacklight: Well that’s– Umm… Uhhhhhh…
Jessie: But if Eggman was the original name, isn’t that what matters?
Meowth: Sure, Musashi.
Blacklight: Wait, stop, I’m still trying to think of a comeback. Uhhh…
James: And fun fact about Adventure 2, even though the Moon is half destroyed, it’s shown multiple times in later games in its complete form. According to developers, we’re simply seeing the other side of the Moon.
Blacklight: But that doesn’t even make any sense! Why would they say that when it’s clearly impossible!? I mean, the Moon can just turn around and then stop like that!
James: I never said it makes any sense.
Jessie: [Whispers to Meowth] Are you as lost as me?
Meowth: For once, yes.
Blacklight: And if we want to talk about stupid decisions by developers, how about the fact that they specifically showed all Wisps leaving the planet after Sonic Colors, but then magically had them stick around in all future games!?
James: Oho! You’re forgetting about Sonic Runners, the mobile game taken offline in 2016! As silly as that game may have been, it actually had a plot that explained why there were still Wisps!
Blacklight: [Rising anger] A mobile game!? That doesn’t even exist anymore!? You’ve gotta be kidding me right now!
Meowth: [Backs away slowly] This is getting too hot for me…
James: [Taunting] If you want to hear something really ridiculous, Mr. Iizuka, the head of Sonic Team, claims that Sonic takes place in-
Blacklight: [Gritting teeth] I swear, if you try to convince me that there are two different worlds…
James: I never said I was going to try to convince you. It’s little more than a ridiculous fan theory from someone who happens to matter.
Blacklight: Wait…so…you’re not one of those people who blindly believes everything a developer says just because they can abuse their power?
James: Of course not! The idea that Sonic splits his time between a human world and an animal world in different games is just plain silly!
Blacklight: Exactly! Just because there are lots of humans in some games and only one human in others doesn’t mean they take place on different planets! Of course, there are, like, eight other interpretations of that theory, but they’re all just as ridiculous.
Jessie: Correct me if I’m wrong, but one of you is a human, and one of you is an animal, and you’re both from different worlds…
Blacklight and James: Shut up!
James: Is that a Crush 40 ringtone?
Blacklight: [Thumbs up. Picks up phone] Hello?
Phone: [Incoherent mumbles]
Blacklight: Eggman is doing what!? I’ll be right there! [Hangs up] Hey guys, wanna be on the show over on my website?
Meowth: As… tempting… as that offer sounds, we’re way too busy here for that.
Blacklight: Too bad, I need one more interview session. James, you grab Meowth. I’ll grab Jessie.
James: [Hesitates] Um… How about you just give me a chance to convince them to come of their own free will?
Blacklight: Aww, that’s less fun… But I’m holding you to that! Bye! [Teleports away]
Jessie and Meowth: [Sigh of relief]
James: I’m going to miss him.
Jessie: I’m not. But you know what else you don’t want to miss? Our Team Rocket Q&A Session. Leave a comment to ask a question, and we’ll answer!
Blacklight: [Teleports in] I’ll be glad to answer any questions for me! [Teleports away]